Valerie Rae Hanneman
Psalm 103:17 (New International Version) “But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear Him, and His righteousness with their children's children”
Psalm 123:7-8(NIV) “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.”
My son Steven is one of the most stubborn people that I know. When I tell my mom that Steven is as stubborn as his father, she just laughs - apparently she thinks that Steven gets it from me. (When she was younger - back in the day when she walked 12 miles through the snow to get to school and then back for lunch (uphill both directions), my mom was served liver for lunch. My mom didn’t like liver so she refused to eat it. My grandpa told her to sit at that table until she ate it. When he came home from work that night my mom was still sitting at that table, liver uneaten - so we know where I got it from, don’t we?) My mom likes to tell stories of how stubborn I am. When I was young and we were living in Utah my mom told me I was old enough to dress myself. I didn’t want to dress myself so she told me to sit on the sofa and not to move until I got myself dressed. When a neighbor stopped by later that day she commented on what a pretty doll my mom had sitting on the sofa. It wasn’t a doll - it was me - and I wasn’t moving. (Remember the liver?) Then there was the time when I was a little older - maybe in kindergarten - and my mom and I had a disagreement. I was really angry because she would not let me do what I wanted to do and I decided I wasn’t going to put up with that anymore. So I got my baby buggy and my favorite doll. I packed some of her clothes and some of mine, then snuck some food out of the kitchen and down the driveway I went. I was running away to show her that she wasn’t the boss of me. I got to the end of the driveway and the neighbor woman was out in her front lawn. She asked me where I was going and I explained that I was leaving home for good. She invited me into her house for some homemade cookies and a glass of milk. She was trying to talk some sense into me - but my stubborn little chin was up in the air - and I wasn’t listening. I think she was on the verge of giving up and calling my mother when an earthquake hit. It was a minor quake - particularly for the Los Angeles area - but it scared me. My neighbor leaned over and said, “Your mama is looking for you right now, and she is scared cause she can’t find you.” I burst into tears and, dragging my buggy behind me, ran home to my mother. She had been looking for me - but I don’t know if she ever knew that I had spent 20 minutes as a runaway.
In one instance of my stubbornness, I defied my mother to the best of my ability because I was intent on getting my own way. In the other instance my stubbornness caused me to run away from my mother - again because I was not getting my own way. In my anger I convinced myself that my mom didn’t really love me because if she did - she would let me have my way. And if she didn’t love me, I wasn’t going to love her anymore.
Did my mom quit loving me when I convinced myself that I did not love her? If she would have known that I had run away from her would she have disowned me and left me on my own? If she had known that I told the neighbor that she wasn’t my mother any more would she have responded that I was not her daughter any more? Of course not. My mother loved me. Her love for me was as much a part of her as the beat of her heart. Her commitment to me was as strong when I was defying her as when I was obeying her. Even years later, when I was breaking her heart through my drug use, her love was just as strong and committed to me as it was on the day that I marched up that driveway with my doll and my baby buggy. I didn’t deserve her love - but that didn’t seem to make a difference to her.
My mom’s love for me - in spite of how many times I denied her - is the reason that I know that Father loves me. Just as Mom’s love for me was committed and constant, Father’s love for me is committed and constant - in fact, His love for me is eternal. When I defy Him by choosing to do what I know grieves Him, He loves me. When I shook my fist in His face and told Him that I hated Him and I was not His child - He still called me His daughter. When I descended into the depths of the hell of drugs, His heart broke for me. When I was dying from the drugs and wanted to live, He reached into the sewer of my despair and fished me out.
Because He loves me.
Father is not a here-today-gone-tomorrow type of God. When we sing His name in praise on Sonday morning. He loves us. When we use His name as a curse on Monday, He loves us. His great love for us is not performance based. He doesn’t love us when we are making Him proud of us, then turn His back when we shame Him. His love for us is everlasting. He knew us and loved us before the foundations of the earth were laid. When the earth passes away into distant memory, His love will be just as strong. In Jeremiah, His promise is that “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” His love is as much a part of Him as the beat of His mighty heart.
Steven is so stubborn. He drives me to the edge as only a 17 year old boy/man can. Because of Steven, I understand why some animals eat their young. But it is impossible for me to tell you how much I love him. Sometimes he makes me so proud that it is surprising that my love for him doesn’t come bursting out of my chest. Sometimes he makes me so mad that my love is the only thing that keeps me from shooting him. But through all the highs and lows I love my son with everything I’ve got. And I always will.
Father’s love for us is just as strong - even stronger. We can depend on it.
Abba, I have denied You, I have defied You, I have run away from You and still You love me with an everlasting love. I don’t deserve Your love - but Your love is not based on how I behave or what I deserve. Thank You for your love for me. I depend on Your love in my life - and in my eternity.
Contact Valerie at valerie@fresnofirst.org
Posted by Valerie at March 10, 2006 07:28 PM