Valerie Rae Hanneman
John 8:10-11 “Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."” (NIV)
The blunt truth of it is - I am a drug addict. I have been a drug addict for 25 years. For the last 13 years I have been a recovering drug addict. The only difference between a drug addict and a recovering drug addict is that the recovering drug addict is not using drugs. Both are still addicted to drugs. I know that if I were to put a straw up my nose again, it would be like the last 13 years never existed. I would be just as hooked as I was on the day I quit.
I think back to those drug-filled days and in all honesty, I was a despicable person and a horrible mother. Macaroni & cheese was 39 cents a box back then so night after night I would serve my kids a dinner of mac & cheese made with powdered milk. They wore clothes until they were rags. I did everything I could to not spend money on anything but drugs. I shortchanged them with their physical needs, and with their emotional needs. It is impossible to be a loving mother when your head is tweaking on the drugs. My mom has loved me, protected me, supported me every day of my life and in return, I caused her so much pain when I was using drugs. I would lie, cheat and steal, with no conscience, in my constant need for that next baggie of white death.
There isn’t anybody to blame but myself for my drug addiction. I think about it still, and I blame myself for the damage I did to my children, my family, my friends and to myself. I blame myself for the money I wasted, and for the years of my life I wasted. I blame myself for everything. And as I sink deeper and deeper into the bog of blame, guilt and despair, I cry out to God, “Forgive me for hurting You and hurting the ones I love! Forgive me!” But God is not there
Jesus was seated in the Temple teaching when that first faint sound came. A brief look of sadness crossed His face, and as He continued to teach, he smoothed out the dirt beside Him. Now all can hear the sounds as the teachers and Pharisees appear dragging a woman. “She was caught in adultery! The Law says to stone her - what do You say?” they challenge Him. . Jesus knows this is a set-up by the Pharisees. Their hearts are hard with their hate for Him, stones are already gripped in their fists for her. Jesus looks up at them, His great heart full of pain. He loves them so much that He left heaven’s throne to come to them. He wants to save them - but all they want is to destroy Him. He looks at the woman, her eyes full of terror. He knows that she has no one to blame but herself - she chose to commit adultery. But He loves her and He came to save her. Jesus starts writing on the sand, and the Pharisees kept after Him for an answer. The courtyard is silent as Jesus straightens up. He looks into the eyes of each of the accusers and says, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." Then He starts writing on the ground again. The silence is broken by the sound of dropping stones as the Pharisees leave. Jesus looks up into the woman’s eyes. “Who condemns you?” She answers, “No one, Sir.” “Neither do I condemn you - go and don’t sin anymore.”
There was only one person on that day who had the right to point the finger of blame - and that was God. Only Jesus had the right to throw that first stone. He had the right to point that finger of blame at every person who was there because He was the only One Who was without sin. But that finger wasn’t pointing - it was writing in the dirt.
He had the right to say to that woman, “You are to blame for this situation that you have gotten yourself - and Me - in. You made the free choice to commit adultery, you got caught and now I am in this trap because of it. I blame you for everything and you deserve everything you get.” And He should have let her be stoned. But He didn’t. His love is too great and He just couldn’t.
When the accusers left He asked her who condemned her, she answered that no one did. And Jesus, the only One Who had the right to condemn her, said, “Then neither do I condemn you, go now and leave your life of sin.” And she left, free of her sin, free of guilt and free of blame.
When I am in my bog of blame, guilt and despair, when I am beating my chest in contrition begging for forgiveness - God is not there. He forgave me the first time I asked Him to. He wrote “Paid in Full” in His blood across that whole 12 year period of my drug addiction. He said to me, “I don’t condemn you, go and sin no more.” And He is finished with it. When I go back there and beg forgiveness again, His response is to say, “Valerie! We’ve been there, done that and we don’t need to do it anymore. Get over it! I have. Get on with your life.”
God did not point the finger of blame at that woman on that day, and He doesn’t point it at me. I point that finger at myself. He has gotten over what I did, but I can’t seem to fully get over it. He has moved on but part of me is still stuck in the guilt and blame. When I can’t get over it, when I can’t move on, then I play into satan’s hands. He is dancing a jig every time I put myself into that bog. When I am pointing the finger of blame at myself, then my focus is off of Jesus and onto me. I am ineffective in Kingdom work. When I am ineffective then satan wins.
The time that I used drugs was the lowest point of my life. I can’t change it. But I can use it. I can use it when I talk to another person who is dealing with addiction problems. I can say, “I know what you are going through. I have been there. But let me tell you how Jesus set me free.” and I will be telling them the truth. My sin of drugs was great, but Jesus forgave me and then He redeemed my sin and has used it to reach others. There is no condemnation - only redemption and restoration.
When you feel like the finger of blame is pointed at you take a good look at who is pointing it. It isn’t God. Don’t let satan use your past against you. Let Jesus turn your past into victory.
LORD Jesus, my sin was great, but Your redemption was greater. Use my past, use my present, use my future to build Your kingdom. Help me to not point the finger of blame at myself.
Contact Valerie or sign up for the Fresno First Baptist e-Ministry at valerie@fresnofirst.org
Posted by Valerie at January 6, 2006 08:43 PM