Valerie Rae Hanneman
Matthew 6:5 (NLT)"And now about prayer. When you pray, don't be like the hypocrites who love to pray publicly on street corners and in the synagogues where everyone can see them. I assure you, that is all the reward they will ever get."
At one point during my "Walk to Emmaus" retreat we were invited, after chapel, to stay in our pew and have some quiet time with God. Our lay-leader was quick to assure us that we did not have to stay - but if we chose to stay - we could stay for as long as we wanted and just be with God. Nobody left. I spent some time in praise and prayer then looked around preparing to leave. Only nobody else had left yet. I sang a couple of praise songs in my head - looked around - and wow - still, nobody else had left. My goodness - I certainly thought that my relationship with Jesus was better than that! If my relationship was all that strong - why was I the first one ready to leave? So I started thanking God for all the wonderful things in my life. Finally, I heard somebody else leave - then more women left - and then I got up and left.
I love to sing in the choir. I don’t have a good singing voice - the proof of that is in the pained expressions of the tenor on either side of me. But I love to sing praise to God. I don’t know why it is, but music seems to bring me into the presence of God with an attitude of praise faster than anything else. And I am a hand-raiser praiser. I love to lift my hands while I praise. I lift open hands to Him because I feel closer to Him and to symbolize that I am holding nothing back from Him and to signal my willingness to receive whatever He has for me. There are times when we are singing that I want to lift my hands through the whole song, so high that I am on tippee-toes, just burning for Him. But I don’t do it. There are times when I am so filled with His joy that I feel like dancing with it. But I don’t do that. I love to sing the hymns in second service - they touch me so deeply that I am often tempted to raise my hands during them as well. But I don’t do that either.
Both of these situations are different from each other - but in the very saddest of ways - they are very much the same.
I did not leave the sanctuary when I was finished praying because I did not want to be the first to leave. I was afraid that if I were the first to leave then everybody else would think that my faith was weak and my devotion to Jesus was wishy-washy. I didn’t want to be the last to leave either because I did not people to think that I had major "issues" that God and I needed to work out.
I don’t lift my hands in choir as much as I would like because I don’t want people to think I am showing off my faith. I don’t dance because I don’t want you to think I am weird. I don’t lift my hands in second service because that "just isn’t done"
When I didn’t leave the sanctuary after prayer it was because I didn’t want other people to think I had "too little" faith. When I don’t respond the way my heart leads when I sing it is because I don’t want other people to think I have "too much" faith. What is the same about all of these situations is that I "don’t want other people to think." When I chose to let what other people think take precedence over what my God thinks then my relationship with the Living God is changed to the religion of a Pharisee praying on the corner. And it is a lightning fast change.
When I lifted my head in the sanctuary and decided that I was going to pray some more because I couldn’t be the first to leave, my relationship changed to religion. I was no different from that Pharisee on the corner thumping his chest and shouting his prayers. It came down to a matter of pride (as it usually does). I didn’t want anybody to think less of me - and so I faked it. Oh, the praise songs were real and the many things that I have to thank God for are absolutely real - but my motivation was fake.
When I don’t worship in the way that my heart leads then my relationship changes to a religion in half a second flat. I am no different from the Pharisee playing the part of what was not in his heart. It comes down to a matter of pride - again. I don’t want anybody to think less of me because I lift my hands too high, or because I am weirdly dancing, or because I am not acting properly in second service - and so I fake it. I am still singing, still praising, but my motivation is fake. I am fake.
And so I get exactly what I ask for. I get my pride. I sacrifice my relationship with Jesus to the religion of my pride. When I prayed, praised and thanked God in that sanctuary it didn’t make a lick of difference to God because He wasn’t the focus - or the reason I was there. The focus and the reason I was there were the other women in the sanctuary. And what I got for my religion was my pride and a bunch of women who have no lasting effect on my life and probably took no more notice of when I left then I did of when they left. When I weakly praise in the choir, hold still in the choir, or act in a way that others consider proper - God doesn’t even deign to notice. He is not the focus or the reason that I am there. The focus and reason I am there is the rest of the congregation and what they think of me. And what I get for my religion is my pride and the opinion of people whom I love dearly but who should not have any influence whatsoever in my relationship with God. (And who - in all likelihood - would still love me - even if I were a little weird).
I don’t want to be fake anymore. If I choose am the first to leave the sanctuary - or choose to not stay at all - it is going to be motivated only by God. If I lift my hands or not, dance or not it is going to be motivated only by my desire to celebrate my relationship with God and nothing else. I refuse to sacrifice the glory of my relationship with Jesus to the religion of pride and other people’s opinions. And if sometimes I feel like jumping up during one of Pastor Willie’s sermon, because I am so excited about what he is preaching, and shouting "You preach it, Doc!" - well.....................................
LORD Jesus, my relationship with You, and Your opinion of me is the only thing that should count for anything in my life. Everything I am, think, say or do should flow from our relationship. Remind me of what is truly important in this world - You.