Valerie Rae Hanneman
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (NIV)
The period between July 4th and July 11th is a difficult time for me each year. This July 4th is my son, Patrick’s 26th birthday. July 11th is the 26th anniversary of his death.
When I was 19 I was told that due to some irregularities in my body I was effectively sterile. At the age of 22 my marriage fell apart. Within a year I had left the church I had been active in for the past 11 years because to them a divorced woman equaled a fallen woman and I was barely tolerated. I took to the party scene like a duck to the water. Then at the age of 25 - a miracle. I was pregnant. Immediately I quit the party life. I started praying again, I started looking for a new church - I wanted my child to be raised right. Then one day I started cramping, my mom took me to the hospital. I was in premature labor. The doctors tried to stop my labor, but my son was born. Patrick William Randolph Hanneman weighed 1 lb 6 oz. They rushed him off to Valley Childrens before I had more than a glance at him. I followed as quickly as I could. I spent every moment I could at the hospital. Somewhere I got a little teddy bear and made a necklace for it, “I love Patrick.” I put it in his incubator because he was so fragile I could not touch him. The teddy bear was as close as I could get. He had three major surgeries. During them I was in the chapel, pleading, promising, begging God to spare my son’s life. Asking Him to take my life - just leave my son alive. Then on July 11th I held my son for the first and the last time. The only time my son felt his mommy’s touch was as he died. I lost my mind. I left Valley Children’s cursing God. I had been doing everything right again - but still He punished me by taking my son. I hated Him so much I told Him that the only way I would ever say His name again was as a curse. I told Him I would never forgive Him for stealing my son. I told Him I was going to be so bad that He would never look at me again. I told Him He didn’t exist. I told Him a lot of things - and I meant every one of them.
The death of my son was a defining moment in my life. I spiraled down quickly. Drugs, alcohol - you name it - I played in it. I look back at that time and realize that I was trying to destroy myself. After awhile my life leveled out - sort of. I was still on the drugs and in a physically abusive relationship but the birth of my two children gave me a reason to live. Then I was finally free of both the drugs and the relationship, but still bitter and angry and wanting nothing to do with God. I could not forgive Him for the death of my son.
Then I came to Fresno First and my life really started to change. At first my relationship with God was a little wary. I was willing to try this lifestyle - but I really did need an explanation of why my son was taken from me before the relationship could be fully healed.
Only God did not give me an explanation - He asked me to have faith in Him.
Our relationship continued to build slowly. I got to the point where I could call Him, “Father” and I could accept that He absolutely loved me - even though He took my son. But still I questioned Him, “Why did You take my son?” “Would Patrick have grown up to be serial killer or something? Would my life have taken an even more destructive path and would I have drug him down with me?” I even wondered if He took my son and allowed my life to downward spiral so that He could use it to help others. I could accept that - I just wanted to understand why my son was taken.
Only God did not give me any understanding - He asked me to have faith in Him.
Now I am at this period of time for the 26th time. For the 26th time I have taken out Patrick’s teddy bear, cleaned him up and held him close to me as I remember my son. The difference these past years is that I no longer demand an explanation for Patrick’s death - nor do I ask for understanding of why his life was cut so short. I probably will not know until I am finally home with Father. But what I do know is that I have faith in Father and in His promise to me. His promise is that He has plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I do not question Father about Patrick because I do not question Father’s love for me.
It took me a long time to forgive God for allowing Patrick’s passing. I know that that sounds funny - because the simple truth is that God does not need to be forgiven by me. But I needed to forgive Him for me. In forgiving Him and accepting that the darkest defining moment of my life still served His purpose then this last part of anger and resentment within me has been released to Him and I am free to accept His healing in my life.
We all face these defining moments - a death of a spouse - or a child. The loss of a friend, the loss of a job. Times when we look up into heaven and ask, “How can You do this to me?” We may even get angry at God - and that’s okay. He is big enough to take it. You may never understand - on this side of home - the reason why you had to go through what you had to go through. Just remember this - Father loves you so much that He has given you His promise that He has plans to prosper you and not harm you. Understand and accept His love for you and you will not need to understand the reason.
I am going to be with Patrick again. He is waiting for me at home and when I get home I will hold Patrick again. And this time nothing will separate us, not death - not anything. I have Father’s promise on that too.
Abba, I don’t understand what happened with Patrick and with my life afterwards. I don’t even really understand the depths of Your love for me. How can the finite being that I am ever comprehend the infinity of You? But I know that You love me and I have faith in You and Your plans for me. Please tell Patrick that I said hi. Tell him I love him and I will see him soon - no tell him that I will hold him soon. Thank You that although my son was taken from me here on earth, he and I will live together within Your joy forever.
Contact Valerie or sign up for the Fresno first e-Ministry at valerie@fresnofirst.org
Posted by Valerie at July 8, 2005 08:19 PM