CHERISH IS THE WORD I USE TO DESCRIBE....
Valerie Rae Hanneman
July 9, 2004
Psalm 66:18 “If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened;” (NIV)
My mom and I share a house. I don’t live with her and she doesn’t live with me - we live together. I know - it seems like splitting hairs - but it is an important distinction to us. The distinction recognizes that neither of us is dependent on the other, but by combining resources we are both able to live better. We have shared the house for 11 years this month. 99% of the time - everything is great between us - but there is that 1% time. Recently we went through a 1% time. It wasn’t pretty. There was already a tension in the house when my mother made a comment to me that was not well thought out on her part. The comment insulted me, hurt my feelings and really made me angry. So angry that I threw a temper tantrum (adult version - no rolling on the floor holding my breath till I was blue in the face!) In a self-righteous huff I retreated to my bedroom and refused to speak to my mother. That night I encountered a big problem. I could not connect to my center - I could not connect to Father. Every time I tried to focus on Father - my anger would overwhelm me again. I tried and I tried. But I knew He wasn’t listening to me. Finally I mumbled an empty prayer that even I knew only made it as far as the ceiling because the ceiling fan pushed it up there. I didn’t sleep much that night.
On Sonday morning I sought out Samee Myers. I am the Christian woman that I am largely due to Samee. She has taught me - often by not saying a word - about being a woman after Christ’s own heart. I am absolutely confident of Samee’s love and support of me so I turned to her for advice on how to re-connect with God. I knew that she had the right answer. Only she let me down! Can you believe it? She wanted me to talk the situation out with my mother. She told me that my mom had not meant to hurt my feelings or make me angry. And worst of all - she insinuated that my problem connecting with Father was directly connected to my unresolved anger! I wanted her sympathy and for her to tell me that I was right! I didn’t hear from her what I wanted to hear - so I chose to hear nothing at all. I nurtured my anger for that whole day - and once again failed to connect with Father. And once again failed to sleep.
It was a good thing that I didn’t have to work the next day. Otherwise I would have had to call in sick. Oh, I wasn’t sick sick. I was just feeling yucky. Finally that afternoon I heard what Samee had told me and I talked with my mother about the situation we were in. And (of course) Samee had been right. The relationship between my mother and myself was restored to normal. Physically, I immediately started to feel better.
I lost my connection with Father during that period because I chose my anger over Him. I cherished my sin in my heart instead of cherishing Father. I can be such an idiot! What did I get in return for cherishing my sin? I got two days of sulking in my bedroom, I got two days of making everybody in our house miserable, I got two days of making my mother “pay” for what she didn’t do. Worst of all, I got two days of knowing that I was outside of Father’s will and that He was not listening to me. And believe me - I knew that the breakdown in communication was my choice - not Father’s.
Why did I do that? Why do we all do that? We cherish a sin in our heart even as we are aware that it is the cause for the broken communication between us and Father. Some of our cherished sin is long-term, oft repeated sin like gossip. It is habitual sin that bring us to our knees time after time asking forgiveness. Some of our cherished sin short-term, occasional sin - like my anger - that goes contrary to our normal nature - but still lands us on our knees. Whether it is long-term, oft repeated or short-term and occasional it is still sin. And because we hold it close to our hearts and are unwilling to acknowledge that it is wrong - it is cherished sin.
Imagine that you are out to dinner with the person you love most in this world and you want to talk about the joy of your relationship. But all they can talk about is the person they would rather be with than be with you. Whew - talk about killing a conversation!
God wanted to be with me but I wanted to cherish my sin. I wanted to make my sin more important than my relationship with Father. I can’t blame Him for stepping back from me. I would have done the same thing.
There came a time when I had to make a decision about my cherished sin. I had to decide if the price I was paying in my soul, in my spirit, and in my body was worth it. Do I think that God made me sick? No, I don’t. The stress of maintaining my anger at my mom, the stress of knowing I was wrong - and most of all - the stress at the distance between Father and I was wearing my body down. I chose to make myself sick.
I decided that the price I was paying wasn’t worth the cherished sin. I wanted my relationship back with Father, and I wanted my relationship with my mother back. Finally, I listened to the words of wisdom that Samee had for me. And I broke the hold that the cherished sin held on me. I went to Father first - and then my mother. That night I once again reveled in the strong connection to my center - to God. I truly do cherish Him above all else - despite my lapses into the stupidity of cherished sin. That night I slept in peace.
Cherished sin comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and excuses. But all of it has the same effect. It puts distance in our relationship with Father - and it is not worth it.
Father, search our hearts. Show us the cherished sin that stands between You and us. Help us to destroy it out of our lives. You are our Lifesource - You are what we cherish above all else.
Contact Valerie at valerie@fresnofirst.org
Posted by Valerie at July 9, 2004 05:18 PM